


Whatever You Get

by felineranger



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: M/M, series 8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:36:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27710809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: Back on Red Dwarf, Rimmer deals with the embarrassing events of the day.Remix of SugarCrystal’s “Whatever You Want”
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Comments: 11
Kudos: 26
Collections: Red Dwarf Fic Remix Fest 2020





	Whatever You Get

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SugarCrystal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarCrystal/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Whatever You Want](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26422888) by [SugarCrystal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarCrystal/pseuds/SugarCrystal). 



Rimmer lay in the darkness of the cell he shared with Lister, his shoulders aching from the permanent physical cringe his body had been locked in since Lister had caught him with that _thing_ earlier.

The captain had agreed to trade some samples from Red Dwarf’s sperm bank with the GELFs in exchange for some technology prototypes they’d found in the ship’s drive room (although by the time they’d found Kill Crazy, he’d already decided to do things the old-fashioned way and that was a scene none of them would ever be able to unsee) and the mission had ended peacefully enough. That at least was something to be grateful for but, while the preservation of Rimmer’s physical safety was - as always - his main concern, it didn’t help soothe the sting of humiliation.

He’d feel better in some ways if Lister had taken the piss. Mutual mockery was safe and familiar, it was the basis of most of their communication. He knew how to deflect teasing, even for something as intimately embarrassing as this; he’d done it all his life. But Lister hadn’t even given him a chance to deflect anything, or to shift focus away from what had happened. When Rimmer had opened his mouth to begin the denials and protests, Lister had simply looked him straight in the eye with an indecipherable expression and said calmly, “You don’t need to say anything, man.” And then walked away. Just walked away.

So now it just _was_. It was sat there in their relationship, like a creepy portrait with eyes that followed them as they went about the rest of the day; with no excuses, no arguments, no banter, nothing to lessen the pervasive aura of awkwardness.

Back in their cell, they’d got themselves ready for lights-out without a word. And now here they were, enveloped in silence and darkness and tension.

Rimmer closed his eyes and allowed himself to remember how it had felt in those brief moments his dreams had been (almost) reality. Lister, soft and warm and willing, in his arms. That voice - " _I want you, Rimmer. I want you inside me._ ” Of course it had all gone to pot before he’d actually got to do anything. Of course his one opportunity to know what it might be like to actually be with Lister had been doomed to failure, just like everything else he’d ever wanted. It was an unwritten rule of the universe, as inflexible as physics, that things never went right for him.

He felt a gentle pressure on his chest and opened his eyes. Lister was on top of him, gazing down soulfully into his face. “Hey Rimmer,” he whispered huskily.

Rimmer’s heart tried to escape through his windpipe. He let out a stifled wheeze of shock. How had the damn thing managed to get back to Red Dwarf with them? How had it found him? How had it got into the cell? He tried to form words but it put a gentle finger to his lips, “Shhh.”  
Rimmer fell silent, torn between the urge to shriek for help and the urge to sate his long-denied desires. Kill Crazy must have smuggled it in, he surmised, and it had probably detected his scent nearby and come to finish what they had started. And how he wanted to finish it.

But…it was a tentacle monster, for smeg’s sake. And one ill-timed moan could stir Lister from his slumber above at any moment.

“It’s okay,” the Lister-thing whispered, and bent down to press soft warm lips against his in a kiss that made Rimmer’s head spin and his cock pulse. “They won’t hear us if we’re quiet. And I know you want this. And I want you.” Those lips found his again, and now a hand had found his erection and was stroking him, so gently, so skilfully, that he couldn’t think, could hardly breathe. He reached up to wrap his arms around the thing, to pull it tighter against him. His hands slid down to take hold of round buttocks that arched eagerly into his touch. “Yes…”

Emboldened by the breathless whisper of encouragement, he peeled down the boxer shorts, cotton now instead of silk, and felt a hot tongue slip between his lips, and a thick pulsing tentacle slide against his leg…

“No!” he broke away suddenly, rolling over and tipping the thing off him onto the floor. He jumped to his feet, shaking himself. “No, I can’t do it! It’s not real. It’s not right. And you shouldn’t be here!”  
“What?”  
“You have to go. I will not engage in this sordid deception any longer.”  
“Wait…”

“What’s going on in here?” Two guards pulled aside the door of their cell and strode in, batons in hand. Rimmer gulped nervously. “I’m afraid we have a stowaway.”  
“You what?”  
“One of the GELFs we encountered on our canary mission has somehow infiltrated the ship and found its way to my cell. Please escort it away.”

The guards looked at the figure on the floor in bewilderment. “Isn’t that your cellmate? Lister?”  
“It looks like Lister, but it’s not.”  
“Yes, it is,” the Lister on the floor replied irritably.  
“No, you’re a shapeshifting tentacle monster trying to steal my seed. THAT is Lister.” Rimmer gestured emphatically to the top bunk. And was met with silence and three cool stares. He finally followed the direction of his pointing finger with his eyes. And saw an empty bunk. He gulped.

The guards sniggered. “Get back into bed and pipe down,” the first one said, “or I’ll have the pair of you on latrine duty for a month.”  
“And Lister,” the second one added with a lascivious grin as they left and locked the door again behind them, “keep your tentacles to yourself.”

Rimmer risked a nervous glance at Lister, still sitting on the ground with his boxers around his knees and a slowly wilting erection. He glared back at him with frustrated annoyance. “Ya smeghead.”  
Rimmer put his hands over his face and stifled a groan. Yep, it was as inevitable as the life cycle of a star, as the passage of time itself.

Nothing ever went right for him. 


End file.
